Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
