can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
