Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
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My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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