Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i think i have herpe
just one?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
