u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
