i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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