im drinking this country out of the recession.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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