I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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