Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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