What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
what day is it and did you see me today?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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