you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
