It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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