He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
