So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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