Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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