Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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