the condom got lost in my hair
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
