; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
