I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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