its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Best friends brother. Beat that.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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