someone threw a dead crab at me
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
did you just send me my own nude
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
