it wasn't lemon gatorade
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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