He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
