you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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