Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
OPIZZABONMYDICK
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
