how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
