i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
