apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Randomize
