Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
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