You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
