I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
