It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
