I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
There's even glitter on my cock...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
