If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
