I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
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Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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