so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
