Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
