I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
