Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
as a side note pls kill me
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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