My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Randomize
