I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
