So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I wear drunk well.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
