I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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