you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
