I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
