Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
