U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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