I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
