Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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