i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
