Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
