Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
