When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
