I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
