It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
