i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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