so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
