Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
