that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
