Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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