my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
