We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Where are you guys?
Drunk
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
