But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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