i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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