so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
