Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
