you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
